A tough road to recovery – page from my diary

Going through a lot of bad moments with my Eating Disorder in life, I would like to summarise my feelings when I actually decided to let go, start my honeymoon and eat.

Once I started eating (anything at any time) – it felt like a shock for my body.

I would like you to imagine that someone makes you feel really, genuinely shocked.

The body and all your organs inside shout: hey! We have food! unbelievable!

Here I would like to add that many doctors may call it “binge eating” like – binging. Seriously?

Well, I must surprise you here – It is not binge eating!

It’s a desperation to heal! A scream to heal the body at any price is the need from our organs for nutrition. Don’t be scared to allow for that healing. The starved body needs thousands of calories to heal so don’t even count. You need to function throughout a day plus heal your bones, hair, muscles and all other organs.

During my recovery everything was a trigger. I had to stop exercising to eliminate all the triggers. If you were exercising as a form of losing weight – that is the worst trigger. I couldn’t do simple yoga. Brushing my teeth was the hardest exercise I was doing for a year. Plus normal everyday life, work, taking care for my children, apart from any form of exercise that triggered me.

It won’t pass overnight, but it will as you work on it, so indulge your body with nice stuff.

Imagine a path you make when you walk through the field of grass. The more you walk on this path, the more visible it becomes and soon you can see a path through that field.

It is precisely the same in your brain. We are what we repeatedly do, and it only requires us to choose another path. Now imagine that you start walking towards different direction and make another path. The path you love, the path that makes you feel good. Create this path and make it visible, make it your new path in life.

The best way to take this step is to make two cards – one with the consequences of following Eating Disorder Path and the other – a Good Life Path – what will happen in your life without eating disorder. Visualise this and write down all your dreams, plans and goals. Now you have two cards. And you have already made a choice.

Even if it happens that you relapse and have a bad day – it is OK. It takes time for the old path to completely disappear. But it will. Give it a time.

I want to share a page from my diary – I wrote this during my recovery – it may help you:

  • I keep it simple and stay calm: This is my meal now, what I chose for it! I will Eat it slowly and taste (doesn’t taste good? never mind, next one will taste better, it is only 2 – 3 hours ahead!)
  • Never ever under any condition say: ”I will eat more now and skip the next meal”
  • I am trustworthy, and I stick to my Structure Eating plan: because it keeps me safe. My meal may not be perfect, but so what?
  • Even if I eat more often or want much more – it is OK. My body needs it. I let my body to feel taken care of. No guilt.
  • I Do not restrict! I don’t feel guilt. Guilt is not for me.
  • Throw away that scale! But I think I don’t need to mention that bit, do I?
  • And that one (nightmare one): not sleeping all night after a binge, excessive exercises, walking till 6am in the morning, missing school, work, lying in bed feeling depressed, hating yourself, avoiding friends, avoiding talking to someone, drinking alcohol, or even taking drugs …… IT DOES NOT HELP and equals HELL.
  • Instead: sleep a lot, rest, have a bath, indulge your body, open the window, go outside, have a walk, talk to friends, dance, listen to music, buy loose clothes ;), stay in balance with nature … the harmony with yourself will come.
  • Many people don’t listen to themselves. Recovery makes you stronger and makes you listen to yourself. It is the most precious gift you could get in life. I transform my weaknesses to become my strengths.
  • The last one: happiness is created from beautiful moments. It’s not constant. Accept it. Make small goals, Several each day. Let every meal, everything you do to please yourself – A happy moment

Love and light

Catherine

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