First Phase of my recovery – page from the diary

The Honeymoon phase of my recovery was everything but learning to let go. Obviously it was a farewell to Eating Disorder and that was the greatest suffering for this disease. It gave me many relapses, tears and a hard time. But I had nothing to hold on to anyway. If I chose to stay in that sick state I would loose my children and my life. I would simply die. So my options were: Build a coffin or let go and build happiness.

I threw away the scale, stopped looking into the mirror. Of course the mirror was there but I assumed I see something different than the reality. So I stopped bothering looking at it.

I started studying Neurolinguistic programming and bought a book “Neurolinguistic programming for dummies” as I felt that for sure I was one. So many years of suffering to discover this! I could see the ED as a path I have been walking on for far too long. People walk through life not seeing answers inside and around them. I have been reading so many books about Emotional Intelligence and still, I suffered.

I also structured my eating during the Honeymoon phase. This stayed till today. It is just a great way to eat meals.

The most difficult bit was the forbidden food list. It was tough but that moment when I could eat an ice cream with no guilt – I felt I was ending the honeymoon phase. My body started trusting me. I could have just a piece of cake or an ice cream and didn’t crave more. I didn’t starve any more.

For many years I thought that after starvation I was bingeing. I was convinced that I was addicted to food as I constantly was thinking of food. But the truth was – my body was deprived, starved and needed food. The only reason why we think of food that much is because we are hungry. During Restrictive Eating Disorder we starve our bodies. Anorexia, Bulimia and other kinds of restricting – is called Restrictive Eating Disorder. Once that clicked in my head – I let go. If I ate a lot – I needed it. There was never a lot. And then it settled. Once I truly stopped restricting – it all settled. I am not above it all and under it any more. I am in balance. I am not perfect and I love it. To be honest – Eating Disorder slowly became a distant memory.

To summarise my post and what I did in my first stage of recovery

  1. Threw away the scale
  2. Structured my meals
  3. Included all forbidden foods
  4. Stopped looking into the mirror
  5. Eliminated triggers – at least partially, and that included no exercising.

I cannot tell how long will this phase last. It all depends on the person. It may last weeks or a few months. But once I was getting better and looked back – I couldn’t believe how far I have come.

You will not realise this change at once. But after the time passes, you will see a massive changeover. You will be healing. Yes, full recovery is real. Just don’t be scared to let go.

Love and light

Catherine

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