Diary

Light you fire every day…

Here I want to share a page from my diary when I was 6 months on my recovery path to freedom:

“I started to accept myself! I can’t believe it. Something clicked after 37 years of living on this planet. I don’t mean I have never accepted myself, I simply always wanted to be perfect. And now I’m looking at myself. I have a  cold, runny nose, red eyes, 6 months in recovery, 4 years after a divorce. But, I’m becoming normal eater, I’m being me. I like my appearance, I like my body, my hair, my runny nose. I cannot see anything I wouldn’t like. I eat healthily, don’t starve, I cook, I stopped bingeing and starving completely! Even my last slip was not big and only caused by restricting, on top of that I ate only chocolate. Which means I’m still recovering just in case I forgot lol.

But no matter whether I put on weight or not. It’s me. Something clicked. It doesn’t matter what the number on the scale shows. I am learning to feel good each time I eat or not. I don’t stuff myself with food to feel bad.
I don’t starve my body to be super cooper skinny! What’s the point??
And my sexual desires fire up as well! – Ok, never mind that.
I enjoy my breakfasts, I love my dinners, rumbling in my stomach and the feeling of hunger. I like getting hungry and I like feeling satisfied without jumping on more.

And – I’m not ashamed or scared or afraid of meeting people, of seeing old friends, of their judgments of what they think: do I look slim or too thin or too fat or too wide or too tall, or too short, whether my legs are both left or right, whether my hair is green or red … I do not care. Why? Because it is Who I am now and here.

No, I won’t mention how much I gained or lost. It’s not necessary, it’s not important. I won’t mention how I eat. The secret is here: I try to feel good about what I eat, and I try not to feel bad after a meal. I try to live before and after a meal in the same way.

But I also try to live my life as I wish, without guilt, frustration and saying I can’t! And I love what I have now without complaining about what I haven’t got. Does it matter?

If I lived in a cave I’d be thankful for lighting a fire to keep me warm.
A fire that would make my day!
I light up my fire every day and I’m thankful for it. It doesn’t have to be a big fire. A little simple thing like a smile on my children’s’ faces is enough to make my day!

I believe I’m becoming me again

 

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